A recent visitor to my website
complained that her husband’s aversion to kissing was stressing their marriage.
This is not the first time I’ve heard people complain about a lover’s
poor kissing or unwillingness to kiss. Kissing is a frequently
overlooked element of sexuality.
Also known as smooching, necking, snogging, making out, lip locking,
bussing, and osculation, kissing is rarely mentioned in sexology
resources, which is odd, because for many lovers, kissing is one of the
most important, most erotic elements of sex.
One reason the sex
literature largely ignores kissing is that it often occurs in nonsexual
contexts with non-erotic meanings, among them: kissing another’s cheek
to signal greeting or farewell; kissing children’s minor injuries to
heal them; kissing the Pope’s ring or kings’ hands to signal reverence
and fealty; or kissing dice for good luck. There's also kissing that
signals betrayal, condemnation, or contempt, as in Judas’ kiss, the
Mafia’s kiss of death, or the phrase “kiss my ass.”
Percy Bysshe Shelley defined kissing as “soul meeting soul on lovers’
lips.” It’s certainly possible for lips-only kissing to express deep
love, but for soul to meet soul, most lovers engage in open-mouth
kissing with tongue contact, known in the English-speaking world as
French kissing. Most—but not all—people consider kissing with tongue
contact to be extremely intimate. Some consider it as intimate as
intercourse. This intimacy is also reflected in a term used to describe
fellatio and cunnilingus—“genital kissing.” Meanwhile, many sex workers
who routinely provide fellatio and vaginal and anal intercourse refuse
to kiss customers on the lips because, they say, it’s “too intimate.”
Ancient
Sanskrit texts (c. 1000 B.C.) provide the earliest documented evidence
of human kissing. Ancient Europeans kissed, but the paucity of
references in ancient Greek literature suggests that the practice was
less frequent 2,000 years ago than it is among Europeans today. Most
world cultures kiss, but not all. Europeans introduced the practice to
the indigenous peoples of Australia, Tahiti, and several locales in
Africa. In some Asian cultures, lovers kiss only in private. Doing so in
public is considered indecent.
Kissing is a mystery. Only two other species are known to kiss as humans do, chimpanzees and bonobos. They kiss to communicate
attachment and to reduce group social tensions. But only humans and bonobos kiss deeply during sex.
Nor
is it clear why kissing evolved. Some scientists speculate that it
originated with mammalian infant suckling. Human lips contain a wealth
of touch-sensitive nerves, and lip stimulation activates a surprisingly
large area of the
brain.
But all mammals suckle their young while only a tiny minority of
mammals kiss. Other researchers suggest that kissing originated in
mammalian pre-chewing of food before feeding it to young mouth to mouth.
Again, many more mammalian species pre-chew food than kiss. Some
scientists theorize that kissing evolved to bring noses close enough to
sense others’ pheromones, chemicals that play a subtle but
well-documented role in attraction and attachment. Again, many species
respond to pheromones but only a few kiss.
Kissing boosts levels of the neurotransmitters
dopamine,
serotonin, and the endorphins. Dopamine regulates sexual desire while
serotonin and endorphins elevate mood. Kissing also increases blood
levels of the hormone
oxytocin, which mediates interpersonal attachment, and decreases levels of the
stress hormone cortisol. As a result, kissing reduces anxiety and blood pressure.
Many
people use kissing as a test of compatibility. In one survey, 59
percent of men and 66 percent of women said they’d ended budding
relationships because the other person kissed “badly.”
Studies
show that men are more likely than women to initiate kissing with tongue
contact. The reason is unclear, but saliva contains trace amounts of
testosterone,
the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women.
Researchers speculate that unconsciously men may open their mouths to
deliver this hormone and perhaps increase women’s sexual receptivity.
But on the other hand, plenty of lovers’ kissing doesn’t lead to sex.
Among
English speakers, open-mouth kissing was not called French kissing
until World War I, when large numbers of English and American soldiers
fought in France, and discovered that it’s common among the French.
However, the French do not call it French kissing. It’s
baiser amoureux (the kiss of love) or
baiser avec la langue (kissing with the tongue).
Studies
show that kissing is erotically more important to women than to men.
Women are more likely to insist on kissing before, during, and after
sex. Not surprisingly, when I’ve received complaints about kissing,
they’ve almost always been voiced by women about men.
Kissing
often makes people feel self-conscious, especially about the freshness
of their breath. This concern accounts for significant sales of
lifesavers, breath mints, toothpaste, and dental floss.
One study
asked 1,041 young adults how best to kiss. The vast majority said that
fresh breath, clean teeth, and good grooming were essential
prerequisites. A large majority also valued soft, moist lips, deep
breathing, mutual caressing, and assertiveness—leaning in and putting
emotion into kissing rather than remaining passive. Finally, most said
the best kissing begins with mouths closed, and proceeds to mouths
opening only if things heat up.
References: Kirshenbaum. Sheril. The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Tell Us. Grand Central Publishing, 2011.
Ryan, Christopher and Cacilda Jetha. Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Harper-Collins, 2010.
Teifer, Lenore. “The Kiss: The Kinsey Institute 50th Anniversary Lecture,” Oct. 24, 1998.
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